Speed of Light


To say that this past year has flown by would be understatement. To think that it’s already been a year since my mom has left us seems unreal. At times, I still find myself picking up my cell phone wanting to dial her number. It still feels like just yesterday that I was sitting in that cold, dark, gray hospital room. My eyes were blood shot red from the lack of sleep, it was cold, and I hated everything that was happening around me. I hated the fact that my mom simply didn’t deserve the pain and suffering she was going through. F*ck Cancer. F*ck everything about it. I remember hearing the ticking of the clock and my mom’s heart monitor. Her heart was beating at such an insane speed. The night she passed away I went home briefly since my dad insisted that I try and get some shut eye. To be honest, I could have cared less about sleeping but my poor dog had been home alone, so I figured I should go check on him. Once I got home, I attempted to sleep for at least an hour but as predicted I couldn't fall asleep. My dog, who was very attached to my mom, was acting strange. He wouldn’t stay still and he kept pacing back and forth in my room. The constant clicking of his nails against the hard wood floor kept me on edge. Around 4 am my dad called and told me to hurry back to the hospital because the doctor had advised him that we could only have two hours left with my mom before her heart would just give up. Two hours later my world and my heart broke in two.

I miss everything about my mom. Her tenderness, her love, her kindness, her cooking, her scent. What I would do to relive my favorite memories with her. To cook together, shop together, or even just going out for lunch together, and just talk. What I would do to smell her cooking first thing when walking into my house. To be in the car with her and blast Bill Idol while we attempt to sing our best. Every memory that I have with her I will forever kept close to my heart. Those memories are what keep me going day-to-day.

I’d like to think that this past year has made me stronger and has pushed me to new limits that I never even thought possible. I’ve been pushed up against the wall and thought I couldn’t handle it anymore. This past year I’ve built new friendships with the belief that each one of those people have entered my life with purpose and a reason. Thank you to everyone who has been by my side this past year and that have shown me unconditional love and support. I will forever be grateful.

Disclaimer

The intent of this blog is not to give advice or tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Shoulder to Lean ons' goal and hope is to offer friendship through sharing personal experiences.
These conversations are shared to inspire you on your journey of grief. Shoulder to Lean on assumes no responsibility for your actions of you choose to follow any suggestions written on here.
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