I have a bone to pick. Not with anyone else, but rather with myself. Lately I feel like i’ve been an emotional wreck. But, the emotion that consumes me is mostly anger. Yes, we’ve all been angry at someone or something at some point in our lives, but this is much more than that. This isn’t an anger that you feel when you get into an argument with someone. This type of anger seems to consume me; to come over me in a blink of an eye and completely change my mood. For the past couple of weeks i’ve really been trying to focus on myself. I believe that after the past months I’ve had, it’s time for me to get back in tune with myself. Still, this anger isn't an emotion that I thought I’d be feeling.
You know I’m angry because my mom isn’t here. I’m angry that I can’t talk to her when I need advice or when something exciting happens. I’m angry that Thanksgiving is next week and my mom isn’t here to be with me and our family. And Christmas, I don’t even want to think about it.
Christmas was always something that our family has enjoyed. Christmas season used to give me a warm fuzzy feeling, similar to what you feel when you take your sip of hot cocoa. It just makes you feel warm. But, now seeing all the Christmas decorations that are hung all over New York City does absolutely nothing to me. Can I just dig myself into a hole for Christmas and be the like The Grinch?
For me, this anger comes in a cyclical pattern. I can be in a great mood, but then the anger comes and I typically tend to snap at whomever or whatever is around me, and after that I feel bad about it. “Why the heck did I react that way?” So, what makes me feel better is that knowing that grief itself is a normal stage of the grieving process. Anger has become a part of my grieving process and typically is in everyone else’s journey through grief. Anger that lingers around too long can lead to rage, which can spiral quickly out of control. For the past couple of weeks i’ve been really trying to resolve my anger and i’d like to think that i’m on the right track. Through diligence and forgiveness, I feel that the anger has gotten weaker. Ultimately I’d like for the anger to completely diminish; something I try to work on daily. The energy from the anger is still there, but changing that energy from a negative to a positive is key.
Anger tends to come and go and rather than hold on to that anger on a caustic grip, I’m choosing to release it. Anger has been a road block in my recovery, but I’ve found a way through it. Now, instead of lashing out on someone i’ve learned to:
A- Simply count to 10 or take several deep breaths.
B- Exercise. Thank God for Barry’s Bootcamp!
C- Simply Talking. I have so many friends and family that make up my support system.
These three work wonders for me. Other suggestions are:
D- Draw, paint, or use other art forms to express your anger and frustration.
E- As silly as it sounds finding a safe place to vent by yelling, kicking, screaming, pounding your fists into a pillow can be a huge benefactor into releasing anger.
Whatever technique works best for you, do it, and don’t let anger control the person you know you are.