I have been staring at the blank screen on my computer for what feels like an eternity. I’ve been wanting to write and wanting to express my emotions, but i’ve been lacking the motivation. I tried everything in the book to gather up the energy and motivation to write. I’ve even tried to write in different locations: outside and inside, on the plane, in my room, in the car (of course, not while i’m driving), at a park, at a coffee spot… literally everywhere. My motivation has taken a trip and gone out of the window. So, where has the motivation gone and when can I get it back?
Last week I came back from France where we finally had my mother’s funeral. My mom being French always told me that if something were to happen to her she wanted to return to her hometown to be surrounded by her family. The two weeks that I was there were emotional to say the least. There were numerous family visits and appointments. On top of that, a wacky sleeping pattern/schedule made the trip exhausting. I’m tired. Not physically tired, but emotionally tired. During the trip to France it was hard for me to be at ease with myself and to grasp the reality of everything that was happening around me. I normally love traveling, but this time while on the trip I couldn’t help but to feel the need of just wanting to go home.
On a daily basis I try to convince myself that i’m strong, and to a certain extent I know that I am. But like everyone who has lost a loved one, at times I still break down and cry. I often hear from people who see me say “oh, you look like you are handling everything really well”. Well yes, in public I do tend to keep it together, but when i’m alone and behind closed doors it’s a different story. At times I feel that I’m in a constant battle with myself trying to keep it together.
So, now that i’m back from Europe were do I go from here? Upon leaving for the trip I felt that my energy, focus, and motivation were at a somewhat normal level. But, since coming back home I can’t seem to find it. Sometimes, normal daily tasks feel like they take an arm and leg to accomplish. I feel like I need to get a slap in the face and for someone to tell me “Get it together!” Maybe this feeling that I have is just one of those “I just woke up one morning and felt new again”. Sitting around and moping won’t fix my problems. And, it’s up to me to change my path, and to gain the strength and courage to get back up on my own two feet.
Just last week when I was going through my mom’s dresser drawer I found a note that my mom had written to me and it said “Anne-Charlotte, make your life a dream and your dream a reality”. It gives me strength. And, I agree with my mom, it’s time for me to grab life again and make it mine.
As a chapter in my life comes to an end, I need to turn the page to a new chapter. Whatever the chapter has in store for me, it will take one day at a time.
I attached a picture of the beach from my mom’s hometown. I tried my best to capture the beauty and peacefulness that this beach transmits.