Lately (like many of us that are stuck at home), I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I've been reflecting on the person that I've become since my mom passed away: the good and the bad. I don't think that I would go as far as saying that I regret things in the past, but more so that I wish I could have handled certain situations differently. Something that has been heavy on my mind lately is how I seemed to have been a perfectionist in pushing people out of my life after my mom passed away. I did shut the door on many people. There were many friendships lost/broken. At the time, maybe I knew that I was closing the door on them, but in a way, I kind of almost didn't care at the time. It's almost like I thought that starting a new life and finding new friends, new hangouts, etc. everything would make me happier. At that point in my life, I was so sad, so angry, that my goal was to block anything and everything that would bring my true feelings and emotions to the table. I was busy chasing a normal life that didn't exist. I shut myself out from the rest of the world. I think deep down inside, I knew that my closest friends knew how I was feeling, knew how sad I was, and I simply just didn't want to face my feelings and talk about them. I just didn't want to talk about it with them. Anything that would distract me from my true feelings and emotions; that's what I wanted to do. Maybe my age was also a factor at that time, and as I grew older, I began to see everything in a different set of lens. I don't know. Honestly, looking back to how my life was right after my mom passed away, can be foggy at times. I was such in sad state of mind at this time, more than I'll ever admit. I remember, at times, when I would go to the gym before work, there would always be a cool down song at the end of class, which for some reason, would always make me teary-eyed and want to cry. But, I always told myself, "AC stop it, people are going to see you crying, get it together." And, I would; I would shove my feelings back inside, suck it up, and put on a big smile for everyone to see. For some reason, I felt that I had to put on a brave face for everyone. I can't pinpoint exactly when the turning point happened for me. I don't think I woke up one day and said, "sh*it what the heck is wrong with me?" But, even if I did, the answer to that would be nothing. It was just that I grieved in this way. The truth was that I did need and want my friends support, but I just never wanted to admit it. I came to realize how lonely I was when the fear started to sink in for me. My immediate thought was that I was going to end up alone. The fact that I pushed so many people out of my life that genuinely cared about me made me feel even sadder. I decided that I want to make things right again. I connected my friends that I had lost communication with and explained everything to them. I told them what I was thinking at the time, why I was doing the things I was doing, and how I hope one day that they can forgive me. And, what I came to realize is that none of them had ever gone away. They were always there. How thankful am I to have people like this in my life? The only thing I know for sure is that I can't change the past. No one can, but what I can do is learn what grief gave me at the time. Some people grieve and lean towards family and friends, and there are people like me that pushed them people away. Hey, no one is perfect, right? *Has anyone else gone through an experience like this with grief?*
I'll write a couple more blog posts on this subject and answer how I turned the page on this subject.