For me, the monster under the bed is GRIEF. Sometimes I feel like grief hits me out of nowhere. Grief to me at times can be like a train heading straight towards my direction, going 200 mph. I later learned that these are called "grief attacks." But, what I've learned is that these aren't setbacks towards recovery, but rather just part of the grieving process.
It kind of goes like this: I could be having a fantastic day and then boom, something triggers my grief to come alive, and it comes at me full force. It's something that I can't control at times. I think that there are triggers that happen that make the grief surface. Sometimes, I hear a song that my mom and I used to listen to together, or something as simple as smelling perfume or a similar scent that reminds me of my mom that would make me break down.
I believe it's a combination of those types of triggers mixed with the fact that maybe because the first couple of years I pushed everything out of my life, such as emotions, etc. that now I'm finding myself having to come face to face with my feelings? I couldn't deal with it at a particular time in my life.
Here is an excellent example of one of these grief attacks:
Last week I had a doctor's appointment. While I was in the waiting room waiting for the nurse to come out and call me, a woman walked in with her husband. The woman was having a hard time walking, and she was fragile and even had a walker to help her walk. You could tell that by looking at this woman that she was clearly in pain. She then proceeded to come to sit down in one of the chairs that were close to me. I could see that she barely had enough energy and strength to sit down without pain or issues.
All of this that I was witnessing and seeing from this woman reminded me of my mom during the last few months she was alive. Seeing this woman created a knot in my stomach, and I wanted to run out of the office and cry. I did get teary-eyed while sitting there, but I made sure to keep my head down and make sure no one could see. Thankfully it had to have been only a minute later that the nurse called my name to come back with her to the doctor's office.
Before starting this platform, Shoulder to Lean on, I used to feel super alone at times. I used to think that no one understood how I was feeling, but after launching this platform, I realized that I'm not alone in this grief boat. As time goes on, I know there will be other times when I will experience grief attacks, but I've learned to accept that they just come with the grief journey.